On Jumping In

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I remember the feeling I had when I discovered that I wanted to be a teacher. It was this flash of, wow, I could do this. I was in grade 9 science class, and the teacher had to step out of the room, so had asked me to keep taking up the science homework on the overhead projector (remember overhead projectors??) And it was nerve wracking, but I very quickly started thinking about how I could phrase the questions and got students to answer, and I distinctly remember her sitting back, crossing her legs and being all casual, like, you got this... carry on, when she came back in the room. I quickly let her take over, but that moment almost 2 decades ago, has stuck with me. 

I remember the feeling when I found my current school, which, no matter where I go afterward, will always have my heart. I cried driving back from Ottawa to Kingston, thinking I would never see the teachers I had worked with ever again, nor work with those students (spoiler alert: I got hired the following September, and I'm friends with most of those teachers). 

And now, I'm locking in memory how I feel at this moment. I've just come through another challenge, and I have that "I love this" feeling again. I'm just at the end of a time being a leader of a site in my school. I had mixed feelings when I got the call that Sunday night that my colleague had appendicitis and could I please step in. Trepidation, curiosity, a bunch of imposter syndrome... that's what I was thinking of that Sunday night. Oh, and please dear god get some good sleep, so that I can function well! 

By day 3, I was hooked. I wanted to stay in that job forever. I felt like I had always been there, but not at all at the same time. It was surreal, and hard and everything was new, but it felt good. People began to trust me, I made decent decisions and knew how to ask for help when I needed it. I learned so much. 

I understand myself a bit more as a leader now. I'm not the type to bring everyone muffins on a Friday, but I am the type who would talk to someone for as long as they needed late in the day if they needed to work something out. I value being genuine, and I'm not afraid to say that I don't know. I love problem solving, and I'm pretty creative and quick at it. I know my strengths (empathy, thinking critically) and my weaknesses (indecision if I don't fully understand a situation, auditory memory -- I always need to have a sticky note or phone or notebook to write things down!) And I know that I can lead a team and want to do it again. 

But it was a borrowed job, and as much as I loved it, it is time to turn it back to its owner. I'm (rightly) tired after two weeks of everything new, so a part of me is quite glad to give that responsibility back, but another part of me feels like I had just started to get going, and I really want to just run with it. That's another part of being a leader though, I guess... knowing how to be most useful, and gracefully stepping aside when you need to. I hope I get another turn soon though, because I want to do it again, and to see where it takes me.


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